Generation Snowflake, Meet National Service. Rishi Sunak Announces Mandatory Conscription: 18-Year-Olds to Defend the Nation, Older Voters to Defend Their Sofas

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has thrown a political hand grenade into the upcoming election by proposing the reintroduction of mandatory national service for 18-year-olds. This bold new policy, dubbed “Operation Let Them Sweat,” will ensure that young people either join the military full-time or spend weekends doing community service, all while those too old to be drafted enjoy the spectacle from a safe distance.

Supporters of the plan, mostly those who won’t be affected by it, argue that today’s youth—often derisively dubbed “Generation Snowflake”—are in desperate need of discipline, structure, and perhaps a brisk march in the rain.

“Finally, a plan that ensures our youth are both active and out of our hair!” exclaimed 54-year-old Nigel NoJob, who fondly remembers the days when he didn’t have to serve either. “I can’t wait to watch these kids build ‘character’ while I build my collection of model trains.”

Interestingly, the vast majority of those who will vote on this proposal are over 18 and thus won’t have to serve. Most of them, in fact, managed to avoid conscription themselves thanks to it ending in 1960, just in time for the Boomers to blissfully spend their youth in peace, free from the inconvenience of national service. The irony is lost on no one, least of all the younger generation, who took to Twitter to express their displeasure.

“This is totally unfair,” one protester said, as she tied her rainbow-colored combat boots. “I identify as a non-binary penguin, and I shouldn’t have to choose between serving in the military and serving at a food bank.”

The Conservative Party, sensing an opportunity to revive the “good old days” (which most of them never experienced), is pushing for a Royal Commission to fine-tune the details. If the Tories win the next general election, the first crop of conscripts will start in September 2025. The cost of this grand venture? A mere £2.5 billion per year—just a drop in the bucket for a government known for its fiscal acrobatics.

Sunak, ever the visionary, believes this will rekindle the “national spirit” that saw Britons valiantly stockpiling toilet paper during the pandemic. “Our young people need to learn ‘real world skills,'” he stated, while conveniently omitting that most voters will be over 18 and have already mastered the ‘real world skill’ of avoiding mandatory service.

Critics, however, are not impressed. Labour has labeled the plan as “another desperate £2.5 billion unfunded commitment from a Tory Party which already crashed the economy.” They argue that this is a solution in search of a problem, designed more to distract from current failures than to genuinely help young people.

Meanwhile, the Liberal Democrats’ defense spokesperson, Richard Foord MP, suggested that if the Conservatives were serious about defense, they would reverse their damaging cuts to the armed forces. “Our professional military has been whittled down to its smallest size since Napoleon decided to give Europe a tour. Now they want to fill the ranks with teenagers who can’t even spell ‘procurement.'”

But Sunak remains undeterred. “This is about giving our youth the opportunities they deserve,” he said, while adjusting his tie in the mirror and practicing his most patriotic wave. “Imagine the sense of pride they’ll feel volunteering for the NHS one weekend a month. And imagine the pride we’ll feel knowing it’s not us doing it.”

The new plan, reminiscent of European conscription models, is supposed to provide “valuable work experience” and steer young people away from “lives of unemployment and crime.” Of course, this logic conveniently ignores the irony that the majority of the voting public, including the very MPs championing this policy, have never had to face conscription themselves.

So, as the country gears up for another election season, the older generation can rest easy, knowing their evenings will be free to critique the next generation’s efforts on social media. Meanwhile, the 18-year-olds of the UK are left to ponder their future — whether they’ll be learning to march in straight lines or mastering the art of filling out community service paperwork.

“Exploiting others for the nation’s benefit,” Sunak beams, “Truly, a British value since the days of the Empire!”