ROME, Italy – In a scene worthy of a Monty Python sketch, tech titans Bill Gates and Elon Musk have agreed to settle their quarrel in an epic, gladiatorial face-off at the Colosseum. Yes, you heard right folks, they’re swapping silicon for sand, digital for dust, in a battle that promises to be more spectacle than Spartacus.
This follows hot on the heels of another unlikely Colosseum clash just days ago, when Elon Musk triumphed over Mark “I’m Not a Robot, But Cyborg Maybe” Zuckerberg. Despite Zuck revealing his secret cyborg strength behind his famously expressionless face, it was no match for Elon’s rocket technology. The Facebook founder is currently getting ‘Zucked’ in recovery at a nearby Italian hospital.
Only days later, Bill Gates demanded to battle SpaceX founder Elon Musk in the Roman colosseum after the two got into a heated argument about who is the world’s greatest mastermind.
In a jaw-dropping admission during a interview at a Bloomberg New Economy Forum, tech tycoon Bill Gates admitted the pandemic was a “case test of peoples trust in their politicians or health system” and expressed disappointment at the subpar performance of society in this exam. Further stoking the embers, Gates proceeded to note how he’s often painted as the ‘mastermind’ behind the pandemic’s curtain.
Experts, professional conspiracy theorists, and your neighbor’s teenage son who knows everything about anything because he’s on Reddit all day, were quick to correct Gates’ misconstrued self-image. They clarified that he is, in fact, just one of the many marionettes in this grand performance, and that larger threats to humanity are posed by nefarious forces such as WiFi signals, misunderstood 5G technology, and the ghost of Steve Jobs seeking posthumous vengeance.
In a bid to reclaim his villainous title, Gates presented an exhausting PowerPoint presentation, wherein he tried to present statistical evidence of his self-proclaimed mastermind role using pie charts and bar graphs that left viewers craving dessert and wishing they’d opted for a second shot of tequila instead of the second shot of Moderna.
When that didn’t work, Gates began focusing his substantial wealth on acquiring every last inch of farmland across the globe, with the dastardly aim of making the entire world dependent on his fake meat venture, Impossible Foods – recently rebranded “Impassible Foods” by unimpressed food critics.
Finally, Gates attempted to unleash a swarm of genetically modified mosquitoes into the atmosphere from his secret volcano lair in Mount Rainier, only to find out that Elon Musk had beaten him to the punch and turned the volcano into a backup launch site for SpaceX. In an unfortunate twist, Gates was left with a horde of disgruntled mosquitoes buzzing about his basement and a restraining order from Musk to stay at least 100 miles away from any and all volcanic activity.
“The nerve of him! Calling himself a mastermind while I’m the one negotiating with extraterrestrials for better broadband in Mars,” Musk tweeted, displaying his disgust throughout the digital world.
Gates, momentarily taken aback by the critique, doubled down on his strategy. With a wave of his software-coded wand, he transformed his entire mansion into a giant silicon wafer, apparently planning to upgrade humanity to Windows Infinity, forcibly if necessary. But this plan, too, was foiled when Linux users worldwide preemptively shielded themselves behind open-source software, declaring, “You shall not Install!”
The world waited with bated breath, popcorn in hand, for the next amusing episode of “Billionaires Behaving Bizarrely.” They were not disappointed as only a few days later the gates of the Roman Colosseum swung open to an excited crowd, many of whom had logged out of their Windows computers and unplugged their Teslas to witness this unusual spectacle.
Gates, donning a sweater vest-shaped armor made from recycled Microsoft Surface tablets and wielding a Windows 98 boot disc like a shield, was the first to enter the ring. Musk, however, had opted for a SpaceX astronaut suit, with a modified Tesla Roadster fob as his weapon.
As the duel commenced, Gates tried to unleash the feared Blue Screen of Death attack on Musk. However, the Tesla tycoon had anticipated this and countered with his own Falcon 9 launch sequence. Suddenly, Gates was engulfed in a cloud of smoke and Elon’s signature catchphrase: “Liftoff, we have a liftoff!”
When the smoke cleared, Gates emerged unscathed but slightly confused, as he found his Windows 98 shield had received an unwanted upgrade to Windows Vista. He shouted, “That’s an illegal operation!”, to which Musk retorted, “Error 404: Care not found.”
In a surprising twist, Gates revealed his secret weapon – a legion of Clippys, the much-hated Microsoft Office assistant. They swarmed Musk, offering unsolicited advice on how to use Microsoft Word and PowerPoint. Despite the annoyance, Musk simply switched his Tesla fob to “Starman” mode and rocketed above the Clippy swarm, leaving them aimlessly wandering around the Colosseum, continuing to offer tips on how to create a pie chart.
The crowd erupted in laughter, clutching their Italian gelatos and wondering aloud whether this was a technological showdown or a comedy routine by history’s nerdiest gladiators.
As the dust settled, neither party was declared victor. Instead, they both lay sprawled on the Colosseum floor, struggling with Windows updates and low Tesla battery warnings respectively.
The world might not have witnessed a definitive winner, but one thing’s for certain – this tech Titan showdown has offered more amusement than a viral cat video and added a fresh page to the ever-entertaining book of ‘Billionaire Antics’. Stay tuned, folks! Next week, we may have Jeff Bezos wrestling Jack Dorsey in a vat of Amazon shipping peanuts.
