MAUI, HAWAII – In a shocking twist to the recent devastation in Maui, sources close to the situation have pointed fingers at none other than former President Barack Obama. The Nobel Peace Prize-winning leader, known for his penchant for drone strikes post-award ceremony, is now under the spotlight for a different kind of aerial assault.
Local hot dog vendor, Frank “Franks-a-lot” Johnson, revealed, “Obama ordered his usual – a hot dog with the classic Chicago toppings. But I mistakenly added ketchup. I should’ve known better.”
The aftermath? A town that looks like “a bomb went off,” according to the governor.
Eyewitnesses report seeing Obama, upon discovering the ketchup calamity, whispering into a mysterious device. Moments later, drones, eerily similar to those used in international operations, were seen hovering over the town.
White House insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared that Obama has always been sensitive about his hot dogs. “He once sent back a hot dog because the bun had 31 sesame seeds instead of 30. Precision matters to the man,” one staffer revealed.
President Barack Obama, born in Hawaii, may have moved to Chicago when he was 23, but his culinary preferences are deeply rooted in the Windy City. During a casual lunch in Toledo, Ohio, with Mayor Michael Bell, Obama made his stance clear: “You shouldn’t put ketchup on your hot dog.” A sentiment echoed by many Chicagoans, who consider the act of putting ketchup on a hot dog a declaration of war.
The local aversion to ketchup is so legendary that Bob Schwartz, the vice president of Vienna Beef, even authored a book titled, Never Put Ketchup on a Hot Dog. Cecil Adams, in his 1991 “Straight Dope” column, explained the gustatory reason behind this: “Ketchup smothers the flavor of the hot dog because ketchup makers add sugar to their products.”
In Chicago, the proper way to dress a hot dog is with mustard, sweet pickle relish, chopped onions, sliced tomatoes, a kosher pickle spear, sport peppers, and celery salt. Ketchup? Not on the list.
The international community is in an uproar. The United Nations, in an emergency session, is debating whether a ketchup mishap can be considered a valid reason for drone deployment. Meanwhile, hot dog vendors worldwide are revising their condiment policies.
Obama’s spokesperson released a statement: “The former president regrets any inconvenience caused. He’s always advocated for peace, love, and the perfect hot dog.”
As the world grapples with this saucy situation, one thing’s for sure: next time you’re dressing a hot dog, especially in front of a former president, hold the ketchup.
